Rheotaxis chapter 1 DVD commentary part 3

[somethingdarker]

"The power button's on the left side," Crawford told him. "You'll get static until you give it a destination. Who do you want first?"

I've very deliberately had Crawford using codenames to refer to Weiss here. In later sections, he talks about them by name when he's with Nagi and when he's with Ken. Using codenames is a signal to Yohji that Crawford's thinking of Weiss as tools rather than as people.

Yohji shifted position to kneel. He moved very carefully not wanting to look like he was about to try something. Then again, he was half inclined to make the effort. Getting the crap beaten out of me might keep from thinking about what I'm agreeing to do. I can do this. Who first… "Bombay." Omi's codename slipped out before he even realized he'd made a decision. He pushed the power button and waited.

Yohji doesn't even have to think about who he wants to see first. Omi's simply the most important. There's a certain paradox in how Omi runs Weiss-- He's made Yohji follow him by letting Yohji protect him.

"435 enter," Crawford said as the screen fuzzed with gray light.

Omi's apparent weakness and vulnerability confuse Crawford. He simply can't take Omi seriously, and the thought that Omi leads Weiss has never occurred to him.

Yohji typed the three digits carefully. The screen resolved into a color image. Omi lay curled up in a corner of a cell that appeared identical to Yohji's. Omi was naked and seemed to be sleeping. He'd laid out his toiletries within easy reach. I bet he plans to throw them if he's threatened. Good for him.

What he's seeing has all been set up to keep him from realizing what's going on with Omi. Crawford doesn't trust Yohji not to try something stupid if he realizes that Omi's in a bad way.

He looked up at Crawford. "You been feeding him?" Seeing his friend that way disturbed him, so he let an edge slip into his tone.

"Actually, yes," Crawford replied. "We had to drug him to get the cutlery back. That's why he's sleeping."

A convenient excuse anyway... But it's a mistake on Crawford's part because it gives Yohji to clue he needs to figure out that something's wrong.

Yohji studied the American carefully, searching for clues as to his intentions. I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking. Yohji looked down at the screen and stared at it for a moment, trying to memorize details. "What happens to him now?"

Crawford knows that Yohji's a low level empathy, so he's shielding. He hasn't bothered to tell Nagi, though.

Crawford shrugged infinitesimally. "I haven't decided how to approach that question yet. This is harder on him than on the rest of you."

Crawford's genuinely not sure what to do with Omi. He hasn't Seen anything about Omi, so he's inclined to think that Omi doesn't really matter.

"You might try giving him some fucking clothes." The venom in his own quiet words startled Yohji. He looked away from Crawford and Naoe, letting his eyes rest on the drain in the floor. "If you don't plan to question us, what's the point in torturing him?" He brought his attention back and pinned Naoe with a glare. The boy-- No, man. Naoe's old enough to take responsibility for his actions. I wouldn't call Omi a boy anymore. Well, not unless I'm trying to annoy him.

I wanted enough time to have passed for Nagi to be believably 18. Two years after the OAVs seemed reasonable. Not that an under 18 Nagi wouldn't still be aware of what he's doing and morally responsible for his choices. It's just... a comfort thing for me.

Yohji let the glare soften just a little and straightened his back. "It is torture. Never doubt that." His lips twisted.

Naoe's expression became uncertain, and he looked toward Crawford who simply shrugged.

Yohji's maintaining his dignity here. I suspect that Crawford's a little surprised.

"And never doubt," Yohji went on, the words getting away from him, "that whatever happens between you and me will be rape. Even if you're kind, even if you offered me an illusion of choice, anything in this cell..." His stomach twisted. I shouldn't have said that. Thank god I haven't eaten recently. I didn't want to think about that.

This was an important paragraph to me. Coerced consent is not consent, not legally and not morally. What Crawford is proposing so calmly is something terrible, something that's going to damage and maybe destroy Yohji.

Naoe's eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to protest but didn't speak.

The fact that this is rape actually was a difficulty for me. I knew that it would be easier for me to write in some ways than anything sweetly romantic, but... This is a topic on which I don't want to blur the line between fiction and reality.

"He's right." Crawford nodded and then smiled thinly at Yohji. "That's the kind of insight we're hiring you to give him."

It disturbs me that I find a need in myself to write situations that hurt the characters so badly. I keep thinking that I ought to write only things that I can safely show my grandmother.

But apparently I like deep angst.

Yohji thought that Naoe looked vaguely sick, and he wondered at that. Had Naoe really not understood? Probably not, he admitted. Probably been too busy being embarrassed. Yohji almost, almost, felt bad. He addressed Crawford, leaving Nagi to compose himself, "You're not hiring me."

In some ways, I think I use writing angst as a release. There's something appealing about seeing characters cope with dreadful situations. It's safe stress. The emotions are explicable and justifiable. Even when they get complicated and messy, they don't make my real life worse.

There's also almost an addictive quality to vicarious adrenaline…

"It has a more pleasant sound than 'coercing' or 'blackmailing,'" the American retorted.

Then I find myself frustrated because that level of tension can't be maintained. Besides, I like happy endings. They have to make sense in the context of the story, though. By the time I finished this chapter and started the next I was wondering how the hell I was going to make this story end happily.

Yohji didn't bother to respond. He straightened his spine. "That's something else I want. Give him clothes, at least a damn blanket; then show me Siberian."

I didn't want to fall into the idiot cliché of having rape turn into True Love. I could see Yohji ending up loving Nagi because victims of abuse do in fact do that-- Humans can adapt to almost any dreadful situation and find a way to think it's good-- but I wouldn't consider that a happy ending because it would result from the destruction of Yohji's sense of self.

"Very well. Those amenities will, however, have to wait until after I leave here. Is my word sufficient?" Crawford paused and waited until Yohji gave a grudging nod before going on, "1-3 enter."

And it wouldn't be anything I'd consider love.

Ken reclined in a hospital bed. The portion of the mattress under his upper body had been raised so that he was almost sitting. His right leg appeared to be in a cast. His visible flesh bloomed in the greens, yellows and purples of healing bruises. Yohji found himself wincing in sympathy, imagining the beating that could produce such injuries.

The Kritiker agents really, really did a number on Ken. Not that it's surprising given that he killed some of them.

Ken had a file folder on his lap. As Yohji watched, Ken flipped a page and light glinted off metal circling his wrist.

The business with Ken was vague at this point. I wasn't certain what Crawford needed from him, but I knew that the story required something (but I wasn't writing a real story, not one with plot, remember?). I was playing with balancing factors.

"Chains?" Yohji demanded incredulously. "From the look of him, he can barely move!"

Weiss, after all, starts out utterly screwed. There's nothing they can do to save themselves. I knew that I was going to need factors to balance that, things that would make it possible for the good guys to come out if not ahead at least not behind.

Naoe answered this time, "Before we put the chains in place, he kept dragging himself out of bed and as far toward the door as he could manage. The doctors started getting annoyed." Yohji looked at Naoe just in time to see him shrug. "They said drugging him was a bad idea and that he was setting his recovery back."

The chains on Ken surprised me a bit when I wrote them, but I knew they had to be there. It just took me a moment to work out why. That was an "Oh! Of course!" moment. Ken, in his way, is the most stubborn member of the group.

Ken frowned at what he was reading and flipped the page back. Whatever he read didn't seem to please him more the second time through. Yohji recognized the look from any number of incomplete mission briefings and plans obviously conceived by morons.

I had plans for the documents Ken was reading. I originally thought I'd write them up and have Yohji read them. I've discarded that as too boring, too much of what my friends call a "speedbump in the plot." Besides, there's never yet been a point when having Yohji read them made sense.

"What's he reading?" He tried for a casual tone, hoping that one of them would answer without making him pay for it.

Besides, writing those documents would require a lot more details about the Taisken than I actually need to know otherwise (and certainly more than any reader has to know!).

"You'll see the files eventually." Crawford actually sounded amused. "At the moment, Siberian's options for amusement are severely limited, so he's actually learning about our new-- your new-- employers."

I'm picturing it as articles on history, politics and the like. Crawford probably took them from books aimed at children since his assessment of Ken's intelligence is not all that high. He just wants Ken to understand enough to cooperate. Anything more than that is unnecessary.

"I see." Actually, he didn't but be damned if he'd admit it to Schwarz.

No wonder Ken's frustrated.

"Abyssinian is 3-0-9-4 enter," Crawford said in the carefully patient tones of a man with better things to do.

From his point of view, he does have better things to do, but I suspect that this attitude is largely because of his dislike of Ran.

Ran stood, leaning against the edge of a desk. Yohji'd almost have called it lounging except that his teammate was obviously in a cold rage. Someone unfamiliar with Ran might not notice the tension in his shoulders or the pressure his hands seemed to be exerting against the surface behind him, but Yohji recognized the signs and was almost glad that he didn't have to deal with Ran directly. I don't think I could face him being difficult right now. I don't have Omi's patience.

Ran is still a character I have difficulty voicing properly under some circumstances. It's hard to find the balance between his intelligence and his obsessions. Also, unlike Yohji, he doesn't look very hard at parts of himself that he really dislikes.

Ran was dressed in his standard street clothing and seemed to be staring intently at something that Yohji couldn't see. Ran raised his left hand and brushed his hair back. As he lowered the hand, his fingers twitched. His lips moved, and he turned his head as if to address someone in the room with him.

I never saw codified hand signals used in the anime, but certain events seem to require them, at least in my opinion. The fight at the end of the OAVs absolutely requires hand signals; I can see no other way that the characters could have coordinated it. Well, barring them being telepaths themselves…

Yohji's eyes widened a little, but he manage to suppress any other reaction. A tug on the earlobe meant "I hear you." The finger twitch had produced Weiss' code for "I see you." The gestures were not normally all that subtle, intended for stealth by silence more than anything else.

This is both an example of Ran being smart and of Ran not looking at something he doesn't want to see. Using the hand signals here is inspired because he desperately needs to communicate with Yohji.

So, there's someone in the room with him. Someone I can't see who he'd rather doesn't know that signals were passing. "Why does he have clothes?" The words emerged with more of a whine than he'd intended, but he thought that that might hide his sudden increase in tension. He brushed his own hair back but carefully didn't touch his ear then twitched his own fingers. I don't hear you, but I see you, Abyssinian.

Yohji desperately needs to feel a connection to someone outside this room right now. I don't think he deals well with isolation under normal circumstance, and right now, he's horribly alone.

"His sister insisted," Naoe interjected before Crawford could respond.

"Nagi!" Crawford sounded angry and embarrassed. Yohji was startled to see a tinge of pink suffuse the American's cheeks.

The business with Aya-chan was something I threw in to explain why Crawford hadn't strangled Ran (or vice versa). I played with the notion that she wasn't there willingly, but somehow that made no sense to me. Perhaps I needed Crawford made vulnerable by caring about someone…

"Aya-chan?" Yohji knew he sounded stupid, but he couldn't help himself. He gaped at Crawford for a second then glanced back at the screen to see Ran's reaction.

Hands moved. Hostage. Ran sighed then signaled in broader gestures. Schwarz. Schuldig. I've been compromised. Guard Bombay.

The reason I said that Ran was avoiding looking at something is that the odds of Schuldig missing those hand signals were vanishingly low. Under some circumstances, he might not have noticed, but Crawford put him there to monitor Ran's reactions.

And of course, there's Ran's insistence that Aya-chan doesn't love Crawford, hasn't chosen to be here and can still be "rescued."

Yohji looked at Crawford again. The American had recovered from his brief and, to Yohji at least, inexplicable embarrassment. "Hand signals?" Crawford raised an eyebrow. "Quaint."

I think I've mentioned it before, but Crawford in this scene really needs to be slapped. Something needs to crack the veneer of civilization that he's put over everything. I do think, though, that Crawford's being nastier to Yohji than he might normally be simply because it's the only way he's currently got to hit Ran.

"You utter bastard." Yohji hunched down, trembling a little with the effort to curb his desire to attack. He wasn't sure which was worse, the realization that Schwarz had Aya-chan or the realization that Ran had heard him agree to be Naoe's fuck toy. There's no way he'll understand... No, he'll understand that decision. He won't understand my surviving after. It's not honorable by his code. Why'd it have to be him watching?

Yohji's not being entirely fair to Ran here. Not entirely.

Naoe laughed softly. "Wait till you hear--"

Nagi doesn't really want to be here. He doesn't like what Crawford's told him to do, and because of that, he doesn't much like either Crawford or Yohji at the moment.

"Nagi!" There was genuine anger in Crawford's tone. "Enough!"

Crawford doesn't want Aya-chan brought any further into the conversation. Also, he knows that he needs to keep Nagi focused.

"Afraid, Crawford?" Yohji drawled. "Let him finish; I'm curious." He glanced at Naoe and realized that the two of them were briefly united in the desire to make Crawford miserable. Naoe's expression had a nasty edge that Yohji found frightening. Christ, and I've agreed to sleep with him.

Crawford should worry about the possibility of these two really working together…

Crawford pushed up his glasses and glared at Yohji. "The two of you deserve each other," he replied softly. "I wish you the joy of it."

Yohji returned the glare, and Naoe said, "It wasn't my idea. None of it." Crawford and Yohji both looked at him as he went on, "And I won't do it while you're watching."

I see Nagi as in an odd position-- He couldn't afford to deal with normal adolescent issues before now, so he's just starting to assert his independence as a person. He's fairly mature in some ways, but in others…

Crawford and Naoe stared at each other. After a moment, Yohji looked away. The outcome of that fight wouldn't change much for him. Instead, he looked down at the screen again. Schuldig now stood beside Ran. Yohji could almost see the effort Ran was exerting not to attack the red haired telepath.

Schuldig represents a challenge that I have to work to deal with. Views of what he can and can't do seem to vary wildly. In this section, I established that he can get into Ran's head and into Yohji's head. Later, I have reasons to want to keep him out of Ran's head so that he doesn't see a few important things.

Abyssinian injured? Yohji signaled. He mentally cursed the awkwardness of trying to communicate this way. Their mission shorthand couldn't quite convey what he wanted.

At the same time, I've established that Schuldig likes playing with Ran... It's a bit of a bind.

Ran scowled for a second then responded. No injury. Balinese?

I've considered a few different ways of dealing with the problem. Which one I'll use is still up in the air. The characters haven't yet weighed in on the question, and I kind of expect they'll surprise me.

No injury. Siberian?

And the characters do frequently surprise me. It's not that they speak to me. I've heard people talk about their characters as "muses" who talk to them, and that's kind of... inadequate.

Injured. Down.

These characters kind of sneak up on me and persuade me to stand where they are and feel life from their points of view.

Bombay?

Once that happens, I find that there's only one thing that a given character can do, and it's sometimes not at all what I expected.

Ran hesitated for just a moment. He frowned. Schuldig said something, and Ran shrugged angrily. No injury.

So far, nothing's gotten in the way of the ending I expect, and the characters seem to approve of it generally as being a place they could get to without warping.

Yohji frowned in response. Give me a hint here, Ran! Bombay? he repeated urgently.

But viewing everything from inside a character's head is also limiting. I keep running into it with Ran because he doesn't fully understand what's happening to him. I have to understand those things and get enough distance from how he thinks and feels to manipulate the things that will affect him.

No injury. That hesitation again. Then, very quickly, Down.

Ran both is and isn't being brave here. He does think that Schuldig will hurt him for saying that, but somewhere deep down, he's realized (but can't admit) that Crawford's love for Aya-chan protects him.

Schuldig grabbed Ran's shoulder and spun him so that they stood face to face.

Ran would rather think of it in terms of a bargain. This given for that received. But relationships don't work like that.

Yohji brought his fist down on his thigh in frustration. Damn! What's he trying to tell me? There was something wrong with that picture, but... Think about it later. He focused his attention on the screen. Ran risked Schuldig's anger to tell me something. The least I can do is watch what happens. Hm. The German's at least as amused as angry, I think, and Ran's just being Ran. Wish I had sound... And popcorn. Yohji managed a brief smile. But that response was almost gentle, at least for Schuldig... Why didn't Schuldig hit him?

I suspect that, if Crawford didn't need Ken, he'd still have grabbed Ran. He'd have left the rest of Weiss alone, though, because Aya-chan, never having met them, has no reason to care what happens to them.

He continued to listen to Crawford and Naoe with half an ear; he'd been certain at the beginning that Crawford would win, but he was interested to note that Naoe seemed to be having some moral qualms about the situation. Apparently the word "rape" pushes his buttons. Well, good for him. Yohji couldn't quite keep an edge of sarcasm from his thoughts.

I decided to give Nagi a history of having been sexually abused because I could see it making sense. We aren't given a lot about his past, but that one flashback in the anime... Well, he comes across there as a victim, a child alone without providers or protectors.

Eventually, Ran turned back to look at Yohji, and Yohji asked another question, Hostages?

Even with telekinesis, a small child couldn't protect himself from adults. It's not a question of power but of understanding and of non-physical needs.

Yes. Ran paused for a moment as if trying to figure out his phrasing. Reverse.

I've got a general sense of Nagi's life story, nothing hugely detailed, just a rough outline. Maybe I'll even write it up some day... For the moment, it's enough to say that things were bad, that he would have died very young if Schwarz hadn't taken him in.

Reverse? Yohji wasn't certain what that meant and hesitantly repeated the phrase. Normally, the signal indicated that one of them had found something inaccurate in the briefing or that plans needed to be revised to change the order of actions. That doesn't make sense…

I figured that there was no way that the hand signals were set up to convey anything particularly complicated. They're meant for use in combat, infiltration and surveillance situations, when there are a limited number of things that should need to be communicated. This is something beyond that expected set.

Hostages reverse. Ran repeated.

Hostages... Aya-chan... Oh. Yohji nodded. "Aya-chan's not a hostage for Ran," he said aloud. "Ran's a hostage for her. What the hell do you want from her?" he demanded, interrupting Crawford's lecture to Naoe.

Of course, Ran isn't a hostage for Aya-chan's good behavior. She's probably told him as much. He just can't believe her. It's not a won't but a can't. She's been the center of his life for so long that he's having trouble coping with the notion that that's changed. Under normal circumstances, he'd be able to adapt, but he's been hit from multiple directions on this one, and he's falling back on old habits in order to cope.

Crawford had risen to his feet while talking to Naoe, and he seemed somehow larger now to Yohji. All expression left Crawford's face as he turned to look at Yohji again.

I don't think that Crawford's fully comfortable with his feelings for Aya-chan.

"You won't like it," Naoe commented.

I haven't figured out their story, but I suspect that Crawford never expected to fall in love. He probably started seeing her because of something he'd Seen. He may well have expected her to fall in love with him, but I think he'd have found the idea of letting someone else become that important to him frightening.

"She's fine," Crawford said, and for a second Yohji wasn't certain how that was relevant. Then Crawford smiled.

But he's happy about it now.

The bastard looks almost human, Yohji thought. Is he blushing?

Crawford's feelings for Aya-chan are the one thing he's not playing games with.

Naoe snorted. "You're besotted," he stated. "It's affecting your judgment."

I suspect that Nagi resents Aya-chan on some level. He's like the child of a single father dealing with the new girlfriend. However much he may (or may not) like her, she represents a serious disruption of the family dynamic.

Yohji watched the interplay, fascinated, as his mind shied away from the inescapable conclusion. "You're-- You're sleeping with Aya-chan?" he blurted, his mouth getting ahead of his mind. In the periphery of his vision, he could see the screen on the floor. At Yohji's words, Schuldig had buried his head in his hands and seemed to be shaking with laughter. Ran glared at the floor.

While Aya-chan has no real interest in Weiss except as it affects Ran, the reverse is not true. Ran's never let the others meet her, but she's a sort of a symbol for them, especially for Yohji.

So... Not only true but no surprise to Ran. I wonder how long it took him to calm down when he found out…

She's the normal life they'll never have. She's the innocent people they want to protect.

"I fail to see what business that is of yours." Crawford's words were precise, armed with sharp edges. He stood up a little straighter and pushed his glasses up on his nose. Naoe laughed quietly, and Crawford shot him a look that silenced him. "I can see that my presence here is no longer required," Crawford went on. "Just a detail or two left. How do you want him, Nagi?"

And now they've pissed Crawford off…

Yohji's stomach clenched, and he knew he'd flinched visibly.

Making the decision intellectually is not the same as facing the reality.

"I don't think that's really necessary, Crawford-san."

Nagi'd prefer to keep this nicer. He actually is sincere about that.

The American shook his head. "It is, and I insist. For now." He turned his eyes to Yohji and explained with a disquieting detachment. "Until certain matters are resolved, you will wear restraints while Nagi is... working with you."

Crawford has reasons for insisting. As Yohji later realizes, there's a very real risk that Yohji might do something that would set Nagi off and lead to murder. Also, though I never say so explicitly (couldn't work it in), Crawford has Seen something vague that suggests that Yohji will hurt Nagi if they have sex when Yohji's not bound. As does in fact happen in chapter 7.

In other words, until Crawford's certain I won't try to snap the kid's neck or take him hostage. Yohji kept his expression flat as he nodded, reminding himself that any emotion, any weakness, he showed would be seen by Ran as well. Oh yes, I understand.

Yohji naturally assumes that Crawford thinks he'll try to kill Nagi. Yohji's feeling just a little bit insulted at the assumption that he's that stupid.

"Since Nagi doesn't care which method we use, you may express a preference, Balinese."

And this comment doesn't help.

Oh, I may, may I? Yohji suppressed a growl. "What are my options?" he inquired evenly.

Holding on to his temper admirably.

"Wrists to ankles." Yohji felt a slight tug on his arms. He flicked his eyes to Naoe's face and saw Naoe nod very slightly. Yohji sighed and allowed his arms to move. They crossed themselves behind him so that his right wrist rested on his left ankle and his left wrist on his right ankle. "Wrists to wrists and elbows to elbows." His arms uncrossed and pulled together till his elbows connected. He arched his back a little but couldn't relieve the strain on his shoulders. "Wrists to neck." This one felt ridiculous, but Yohji knew it would be fairly effective. His elbows bent over his head so that his arms crossed behind his head. His hands lay flat on his shoulder blades. "Or wrists to forearms." His arms made a square with his shoulders, his forearms overlapping behind his back.

The demonstration isn't exactly a kindness, but it's close.

This bit was another that I thought about fairly carefully. I wanted things that would work, and I needed to describe them properly.

Crawford raised an inquiring eyebrow, and the force that had been guiding Yohji's arms released him.

Crawford didn't expect Nagi to move Yohji's arms that way, but he's not displeased. I think he wouldn't be unhappy if everything went smoothly for both Yohji and Nagi. He doesn't expect it, but he wouldn't be unhappy.

Yohji frowned and rolled his shoulders. None of the choices were precisely attractive. He certainly wouldn't be able to do much to resist anything Naoe might do. Well, running's possible with most of them. He looked around at the barren cell and snorted softly.

Yohji's smart enough to see that this choice is more of distraction than anything. It might be taken as a sort of gesture, a reward for cooperation perhaps.

"I'd suggest the wrists to forearms," Naoe said softly. "There's no risk of choking, you'll still be able to stand, and it won't hurt quite as much as..." He waved a hand vaguely. "But it's your choice."

Nagi's still approaching this coldly, remaining as detached as he can.