Rheotaxis chapter 1 DVD commentary part 4
Nov. 16th, 2015 10:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
somethingdarkerYohji met Naoe's eyes and tried to puzzle out the expression he encountered there. Is that sympathy? Probably too much to hope for. He closed his eyes for a second and let his head fall back on his neck. Then he nodded. "Wrists to forearms." Attitude… He shrugged and grinned. "A pity though, I'm very good with my hands."
Yohji's got two challenges here. The first is dealing with Nagi, and the second is maintaining his cover by convincing everyone that the Kritiker files are correct. The combination's not easy, and he slips occasionally.
"Stand." Crawford ordered.
He probably would do better if he weren't being drugged, but he still manages better than most people could. That's something important to remember-- Yohji has been drugged (in the water). He also hasn't had a real meal in days.
Yohji took a moment to glance at the screen on the floor in front of him. Ran was looking straight at him. I see you, Yohji signaled. Ran nodded and then, very deliberately, turned his back. Yohji blinked. I don't think I could do that. One less witness... At least kind of. He'll still hear everything.
I've found that different people interpret Ran's action here differently. It's both courtesy and cowardice. Ran is a private enough person that he couldn't bear being watched under these circumstances. He sees it as the only thing he can do for Yohji. At the same time, if Weiss escapes, it's going to be important for somebody to know what Yohji went through. Untangling the damage won't be easy, and they won't be in a position to get him professional help.
Yohji took his time climbing to his feet. He stood for half a second and very deliberately met Crawford's eyes before looking at Naoe. Again, he couldn't parse the younger man's expression. He shrugged, pushed his hair back out of his eyes and turned his back. He let his arms hang at his sides, obviously relaxed, and wondered if his audience realized how much work that nonchalance required. Probably, he thought sourly.
Crawford, of course, takes Ran's actions in the worst possible light. He sees it as a failure in leadership. He believes that, if one orders a subordinate to submit to torture or to die, one owes that subordinate the courtesy of acknowledging the sacrifice. As Crawford sees it, Ran's abandoning Yohji.
A telekinetic push at his back sent him stumbling toward the wall. He managed not to smash his face against it, just barely, and stood waiting. He was fairly sure that the man who finally approached him was Crawford, but he didn't look back to see if he was right. It didn't matter enough.
I suspect that Yohji sees things more Ran's way than anything else. Yohji despises his hedonistic slut persona, Balinese, in many ways. He wants to be more than that.
A way to consider Yohji's position and the existence of the part of himself he calls Balinese... He's been functioning in deep cover for years. All the members of Weiss have pretty much since the group broke up and re-formed after the death of Takatori Reiji. The lines between what's real and what's pretense have blurred dreadfully.
Fingers grasped his left arm, and he thought about struggling but simply didn't see the point. Naoe could easily overcome any resistance Yohji could manage. For a moment, he wondered if his cooperation was a mark of cowardice, but he dismissed the thought. Courage and cowardice are both lies in this situation.
In some ways, Yohji's been trading his body for survival for years. And not just for his own survival-- For the group and for Omi. But this is different because he doesn't have any control at all.
The other man's hands slipped his left hand behind his right elbow and then folded his right arm under his left. Leather, I think. Yohji closed his eyes and tried to think about something else. Ran looks healthy. Pissed but healthy. Something cold and metallic touched his skin. A buckle? By the sound of it, yes. And not where I can reach it. Ken... I wonder how he really got hurt. None of the rest of us seem to have seen anything coming. Something cord thin cut into his flesh. Tight. Taking no chances, is he? At least I don't feel any knots. Omi… Yohji frowned a little. There was something off about that scene. It bothered me before Ran-- What was it... Oh. Crawford said they'd drugged him to take away some things, but there weren't any gaps in that grouping of possible weapons. Omi'd have kept even a spork close to hand. If they lied about that... Why'd they drug him? Did they drug him?
Yohji's attempting to distract himself. The things he's thinking about are things he needs to consider, especially the stuff about Omi, but most people'd think this wasn't the time. I disagree-- I think he needs the intellectual barrier that these thoughts provide because he's at the last point when he could accomplish something, however fleeting, through physical struggle.
Is that another buckle? How many of the fucking things are there? Oh. Ran said "no injury." Omi's fine, physically, but... Crawford said this was "hardest on him." Damn them all! The kid's having more fucking flashbacks, isn't he? Why does it matter if I know that or not? Oh. His stomach clenched again, and he shuddered. I might think they can't use him for this. But they would. Crawford's cold enough for that. And it'd destroy him.
Yohji can't afford even a token rebellion here, and it requires a great deal of willpower for him to surrender without a fight.
It might destroy me.
He didn't want to admit that. Acknowledging it undermines his ability to remain strong in the face of his helplessness.
The man behind Yohji seemed to be done. Yohji heard footsteps moving away. He waited, counting mentally to five, then turned to look at Crawford and Naoe. He noted that the screen that had shown him the rest of Weiss no longer lay on the floor but that the briefcase, now closed, remained. He cautiously tested his bonds and wasn't at all surprised to find them professionally tight. He could move his hands enough to brush fingers against the cords that held him.
Yohji needed to keep looking for an opening, for a way to exert some control over the situation. But the deck's really stacked against him-- The author's given Schwarz nearly infinite resources. Flawed intelligence and limited time, but nearly infinite resources.
Crawford looked at Naoe and held out his hand. Naoe handed Crawford the screen, and Crawford asked him, "Do you want him gagged?"
This is really just nastiness on Crawford's part.
Naoe shook his head. "Actually, I was planning to talk to him."
But it gives Nagi a chance to play good cop and show that he isn't just interested in hurting Yohji.
Crawford raised an eyebrow but offered no other comment to Naoe's statement. "I'll leave you two to it, then." He turned and walked toward the door. When he was almost there, he turned back and looked at Yohji. "Balinese, Nagi's making you a better deal than you'll get anywhere else. I suggest you... accommodate him. It's not this or something better." Crawford didn't wait for a response. He strode toward the door which opened for him and then through it into the antechamber, and the door swung itself closed behind him.
Crawford's final words echo something in a book I love, The Vor Game by Lois McMaster Bujold. (If you really want to know, go read the book. It's great fun!) It's basically a reminder-- as if Yohji needs one-- that things can always get worse.
Yohji looked at Naoe, and their eyes met. Naoe gestured minutely, indicating a point on the floor. "Step away from the wall."
And finally they're alone together. I'd admitted by this time that this wasn't going to be a PWP, but I really had no idea where the thing would go.
Yohji waited just long enough to be able to tell himself that he had a choice before complying.
I almost felt like Yohji was keeping score…
Calm. Just breath evenly. Just sex, that's all. Yohji worked at remaining still as Naoe circled, pausing to test the bonds. He made a small sound that seemed to indicate satisfaction before continuing on his way.
Nagi's not nearly as sure of himself as he pretends, but he's smart enough to know that he has to assert authority or lose control of the situation.
"So, do I meet with your approval?" Yohji asked. He regretted the edge in his voice; there was no reason to let Naoe know that this upset him.
Yohji just wants to get this over with. The longer the encounter lasts, the worse he's likely to be hurt and the more time he has to make mistakes.
"You'll do." Naoe moved a few feet away. "Kneel."
Yohji folded himself to the floor, never taking his eyes off of Naoe.
Yohji still has no idea what Nagi really wants here.
Naoe smiled with one corner of his mouth. "Will you do anything I tell you to?"
Yohji shrugged. "I don't know yet." Ow! Good way to dislocate my shoulders! I won't be doing that again.
The answer to that question is, "It depends." Yohji's in slippery slope territory, and they both know it.
"Good enough." Naoe stepped in closer and knelt a short distance to Yohji's right. "Are you afraid of me?" Naoe's voice seemed to indicate only mild interest in the answer.
Yet another no win question. Yohji's terrified, but admitting that weakens his position.
Yohji almost shrugged again but stopped himself. It wasn't a question he could answer. The truth would sound like groveling, and a lie would be obvious. He looked at the floor, wishing it had some sort of pattern or variation that he could focus on. Stop freaking, Kudoh. Play it like Balinese, the man he thinks you are. Look for the pleasure in the moment-- Yeah, right. What pleasure? Maybe an adrenaline high…
I suspect that Yohji's played bondage games before, but this is no game. He's trying to make himself function as if it is because it's a safer headspace, but he can't quite do it. If he were the person Kritiker thinks he is, he could manage the self-deception.
"Good." Yohji's eyes flew back to Naoe's face. "You should be." Naoe's fingers brushed Yohji's cheek as the younger man leaned closer. The next words were so quiet that Yohji felt them more than heard them. "The trouble with working for a precog is that you never know what's whim, what's careful but fallible planning, and what's honest to god necessary and Seen. So I do what Crawford tells me. Even something like this. Actually more easily something like this. He wouldn't ask it of me just because he's pissed with Abyssinian."
I think Nagi's already enjoying the power he has. He just hasn't acknowledged it yet.
I wanted Nagi to be upfront with Yohji about why he was really going through with the rape. Nagi has to trust Crawford to be ordering this for a reason. Some of the honesty was meant to make Nagi more potentially likable, and some of it was just one more layer of mind games.
Yohji closed his eyes and focused on the soft breath on his cheek and the words it carried. So that's what that argument was really about. Naoe wanted to know if Crawford really meant it. So why's he telling me?
But a lot of this I wrote without being quite certain why the characters were saying what they were saying. I just knew that they had to. It's a kind of frightening way to approach a scene like this because you don't know how it's going to go.
Naoe's fingertips trailed down Yohji's cheek and neck, never quite leaving the skin. "As long as I don't kill you or do anything physically crippling, he really doesn't care what else I do. For now. Later, if he tells me to, I'll hurt you. Badly. I'll do it as easily as I'd kill you. I make no pretense otherwise. For the rest..." He brushed hair back from Yohji's forehead. "I'd rather have this time be as-- as not unpleasant for you as we can manage. I have that option." Naoe hesitated.
Honesty is not always warm and fuzzy. I'm sure Yohji'd rather not hear this. Part of me wanted to make Nagi nicer than this, but he wasn't going there.
Yohji shuddered, and it took all of his resolve not to fall forward. Hell. I'm in hell, and he's trying to be nice. I can't... I can't fight that. At that moment, all he wanted was to curl in on himself, ignoring Naoe's words, hiding from the inevitable repercussions of his earlier decision.
Yohji's not seeing all of the layers right now. He's too caught up in his own head. I had to walk a careful line with Yohji because I was sure he was being drugged. That needed to be indicated enough that readers wouldn't find it unreasonable, but I wanted him to come across as strong and interesting.
Naoe drew back. "Are you all right?" he asked in something closer to a normal tone.
Yohji met the other man's eyes and for a brief moment almost wished he were facing Schuldig. The telepath would understand his next words perfectly. Of course, he also wouldn't care… Yohji licked his lips. "I want to keep my soul," he whispered.
This is the heart of Yohji's fear. He knows that the end of this will leave him utterly vulnerable, that if Nagi wants to own him, Nagi will. But Nagi might not want to own him.
"I can't promise you that, Kudoh Yohji," Naoe responded softly, flattening a hand against Yohji's cheek.
Nagi's more or less admitting that he knows he's doing something terrible.
Yohji leaned into it just a little, just for a moment. It's not weakness. Not. He wished desperately for the use of his hands. They've stripped me not only of my ability to attack but also... Gestures and postures create the façade. Without them… "I know," he answered. He pulled back a little, and Naoe didn't follow him. Another topic. Now. "What am I supposed to call you?"
Yohji's putting on his game face. He's not used to relying only on his words to create an image, but he knows how to do it.
Naoe shrugged. "Nagi's fine, but I don't insist on it. I'd prefer courtesy, but... If calling me names makes you feel better, by all means go ahead. I doubt you can come up with anything that I haven't heard before." He smiled before becoming more serious. "Call Crawford Crawford and, if you see him, Schuldig Schuldig. I won't stop them from enforcing reasonable wishes in that regard."
I thought hard about names and forms of address. I actually liked the honorifics for this interaction. They gave me shades of meaning that English doesn't really accommodate.
Yohji managed a small almost-smile. "So I don't have to address them as omnipotent god-emperors?" He was pleased when Naoe responded with a puff of laughter. Better. We're away from threats and promises, mostly. I can still use words well enough. Then another question occurred to him. "What should I call Farfarello?"
And again, the shared humor. It's important.
Naoe's face went utterly still for a moment. "I don't know." He licked his lips and looked down at his hands. "I haven't seen him for weeks. Crawford says they'll be able to heal him, but even he's not sure what Farfarello will be like when he's sane."
Farfarello is a character I've never had a good handle on. Because of that, I was reluctant to attempt to write him. I seldom read Farfarello centric fics for much the same reason.
"But-- I thought his--" Yohji fumbled for words. Will he still kill if he's not psycho? Will he feel pain? Why the hell is he telling me this? "Will he still be useful to Schwarz if he's cured?" See how he handles that one…
Writing insanity is difficult. Or perhaps I should say that writing insanity that I can't get inside of is difficult for me. I kind of crawl into characters' skins, and I don't want to be inside of Farfarello.
"You don't think much of us, do you?"
Is that anger in his voice? Yohji struggled to shrug, pretending that it didn't pull his bound arms. "Do I have reason to?" He put as much dry irony into his words as he could and very deliberately looked around the cell before meeting Naoe's-- Nagi's-- eyes again. I have opinions still, and you are not my friend.
Yohji's still making the transition to thinking of Nagi by personal name, but he's starting to find his balance in this interaction, to read Nagi's reactions instead of focusing on his own feelings.
Nagi looked away. "No, I suppose you don't." Silence stretched, making the pause an almost physical presence between them. Finally, Nagi went on, "Whatever else you may think of us, we look after our own. This is the first time Crawford's Seen a treatment that worked, that didn't make things worse. That's why, whatever Abyssinian may think, Aya-chan is utterly safe. After the baby's born--"
What's going on with Farfarello is also important because it's a strong hint that these mysterious new employers are powerful. My guess is that the treatment that's going on involves some level of psychic healing, something that only a culture that's worked with psionics for generations could figure out and make work.
Yohji's head snapped up. "What baby?" he snarled.
Nagi flinched but didn't shift. He met Yohji's glare. "It's nothing to get upset about. She agreed."
Aya-chan's pregnancy came as a surprise to me. Just kind of hit out of the blue.
Yohji snarled again completely unable to find words. I got a reaction, a real one I think. There's something there…
It represents a further shift in Schwarz's interpersonal dynamic.
This is as far as I got with the DVD commentary on chapter 1. I think I got about halfway through the chapter. I may try to go back to it some day, but it's been so very long since I wrote this chapter that I no longer remember a lot of the things I might have pointed out or elaborated on.
Yohji's got two challenges here. The first is dealing with Nagi, and the second is maintaining his cover by convincing everyone that the Kritiker files are correct. The combination's not easy, and he slips occasionally.
"Stand." Crawford ordered.
He probably would do better if he weren't being drugged, but he still manages better than most people could. That's something important to remember-- Yohji has been drugged (in the water). He also hasn't had a real meal in days.
Yohji took a moment to glance at the screen on the floor in front of him. Ran was looking straight at him. I see you, Yohji signaled. Ran nodded and then, very deliberately, turned his back. Yohji blinked. I don't think I could do that. One less witness... At least kind of. He'll still hear everything.
I've found that different people interpret Ran's action here differently. It's both courtesy and cowardice. Ran is a private enough person that he couldn't bear being watched under these circumstances. He sees it as the only thing he can do for Yohji. At the same time, if Weiss escapes, it's going to be important for somebody to know what Yohji went through. Untangling the damage won't be easy, and they won't be in a position to get him professional help.
Yohji took his time climbing to his feet. He stood for half a second and very deliberately met Crawford's eyes before looking at Naoe. Again, he couldn't parse the younger man's expression. He shrugged, pushed his hair back out of his eyes and turned his back. He let his arms hang at his sides, obviously relaxed, and wondered if his audience realized how much work that nonchalance required. Probably, he thought sourly.
Crawford, of course, takes Ran's actions in the worst possible light. He sees it as a failure in leadership. He believes that, if one orders a subordinate to submit to torture or to die, one owes that subordinate the courtesy of acknowledging the sacrifice. As Crawford sees it, Ran's abandoning Yohji.
A telekinetic push at his back sent him stumbling toward the wall. He managed not to smash his face against it, just barely, and stood waiting. He was fairly sure that the man who finally approached him was Crawford, but he didn't look back to see if he was right. It didn't matter enough.
I suspect that Yohji sees things more Ran's way than anything else. Yohji despises his hedonistic slut persona, Balinese, in many ways. He wants to be more than that.
A way to consider Yohji's position and the existence of the part of himself he calls Balinese... He's been functioning in deep cover for years. All the members of Weiss have pretty much since the group broke up and re-formed after the death of Takatori Reiji. The lines between what's real and what's pretense have blurred dreadfully.
Fingers grasped his left arm, and he thought about struggling but simply didn't see the point. Naoe could easily overcome any resistance Yohji could manage. For a moment, he wondered if his cooperation was a mark of cowardice, but he dismissed the thought. Courage and cowardice are both lies in this situation.
In some ways, Yohji's been trading his body for survival for years. And not just for his own survival-- For the group and for Omi. But this is different because he doesn't have any control at all.
The other man's hands slipped his left hand behind his right elbow and then folded his right arm under his left. Leather, I think. Yohji closed his eyes and tried to think about something else. Ran looks healthy. Pissed but healthy. Something cold and metallic touched his skin. A buckle? By the sound of it, yes. And not where I can reach it. Ken... I wonder how he really got hurt. None of the rest of us seem to have seen anything coming. Something cord thin cut into his flesh. Tight. Taking no chances, is he? At least I don't feel any knots. Omi… Yohji frowned a little. There was something off about that scene. It bothered me before Ran-- What was it... Oh. Crawford said they'd drugged him to take away some things, but there weren't any gaps in that grouping of possible weapons. Omi'd have kept even a spork close to hand. If they lied about that... Why'd they drug him? Did they drug him?
Yohji's attempting to distract himself. The things he's thinking about are things he needs to consider, especially the stuff about Omi, but most people'd think this wasn't the time. I disagree-- I think he needs the intellectual barrier that these thoughts provide because he's at the last point when he could accomplish something, however fleeting, through physical struggle.
Is that another buckle? How many of the fucking things are there? Oh. Ran said "no injury." Omi's fine, physically, but... Crawford said this was "hardest on him." Damn them all! The kid's having more fucking flashbacks, isn't he? Why does it matter if I know that or not? Oh. His stomach clenched again, and he shuddered. I might think they can't use him for this. But they would. Crawford's cold enough for that. And it'd destroy him.
Yohji can't afford even a token rebellion here, and it requires a great deal of willpower for him to surrender without a fight.
It might destroy me.
He didn't want to admit that. Acknowledging it undermines his ability to remain strong in the face of his helplessness.
The man behind Yohji seemed to be done. Yohji heard footsteps moving away. He waited, counting mentally to five, then turned to look at Crawford and Naoe. He noted that the screen that had shown him the rest of Weiss no longer lay on the floor but that the briefcase, now closed, remained. He cautiously tested his bonds and wasn't at all surprised to find them professionally tight. He could move his hands enough to brush fingers against the cords that held him.
Yohji needed to keep looking for an opening, for a way to exert some control over the situation. But the deck's really stacked against him-- The author's given Schwarz nearly infinite resources. Flawed intelligence and limited time, but nearly infinite resources.
Crawford looked at Naoe and held out his hand. Naoe handed Crawford the screen, and Crawford asked him, "Do you want him gagged?"
This is really just nastiness on Crawford's part.
Naoe shook his head. "Actually, I was planning to talk to him."
But it gives Nagi a chance to play good cop and show that he isn't just interested in hurting Yohji.
Crawford raised an eyebrow but offered no other comment to Naoe's statement. "I'll leave you two to it, then." He turned and walked toward the door. When he was almost there, he turned back and looked at Yohji. "Balinese, Nagi's making you a better deal than you'll get anywhere else. I suggest you... accommodate him. It's not this or something better." Crawford didn't wait for a response. He strode toward the door which opened for him and then through it into the antechamber, and the door swung itself closed behind him.
Crawford's final words echo something in a book I love, The Vor Game by Lois McMaster Bujold. (If you really want to know, go read the book. It's great fun!) It's basically a reminder-- as if Yohji needs one-- that things can always get worse.
Yohji looked at Naoe, and their eyes met. Naoe gestured minutely, indicating a point on the floor. "Step away from the wall."
And finally they're alone together. I'd admitted by this time that this wasn't going to be a PWP, but I really had no idea where the thing would go.
Yohji waited just long enough to be able to tell himself that he had a choice before complying.
I almost felt like Yohji was keeping score…
Calm. Just breath evenly. Just sex, that's all. Yohji worked at remaining still as Naoe circled, pausing to test the bonds. He made a small sound that seemed to indicate satisfaction before continuing on his way.
Nagi's not nearly as sure of himself as he pretends, but he's smart enough to know that he has to assert authority or lose control of the situation.
"So, do I meet with your approval?" Yohji asked. He regretted the edge in his voice; there was no reason to let Naoe know that this upset him.
Yohji just wants to get this over with. The longer the encounter lasts, the worse he's likely to be hurt and the more time he has to make mistakes.
"You'll do." Naoe moved a few feet away. "Kneel."
Yohji folded himself to the floor, never taking his eyes off of Naoe.
Yohji still has no idea what Nagi really wants here.
Naoe smiled with one corner of his mouth. "Will you do anything I tell you to?"
Yohji shrugged. "I don't know yet." Ow! Good way to dislocate my shoulders! I won't be doing that again.
The answer to that question is, "It depends." Yohji's in slippery slope territory, and they both know it.
"Good enough." Naoe stepped in closer and knelt a short distance to Yohji's right. "Are you afraid of me?" Naoe's voice seemed to indicate only mild interest in the answer.
Yet another no win question. Yohji's terrified, but admitting that weakens his position.
Yohji almost shrugged again but stopped himself. It wasn't a question he could answer. The truth would sound like groveling, and a lie would be obvious. He looked at the floor, wishing it had some sort of pattern or variation that he could focus on. Stop freaking, Kudoh. Play it like Balinese, the man he thinks you are. Look for the pleasure in the moment-- Yeah, right. What pleasure? Maybe an adrenaline high…
I suspect that Yohji's played bondage games before, but this is no game. He's trying to make himself function as if it is because it's a safer headspace, but he can't quite do it. If he were the person Kritiker thinks he is, he could manage the self-deception.
"Good." Yohji's eyes flew back to Naoe's face. "You should be." Naoe's fingers brushed Yohji's cheek as the younger man leaned closer. The next words were so quiet that Yohji felt them more than heard them. "The trouble with working for a precog is that you never know what's whim, what's careful but fallible planning, and what's honest to god necessary and Seen. So I do what Crawford tells me. Even something like this. Actually more easily something like this. He wouldn't ask it of me just because he's pissed with Abyssinian."
I think Nagi's already enjoying the power he has. He just hasn't acknowledged it yet.
I wanted Nagi to be upfront with Yohji about why he was really going through with the rape. Nagi has to trust Crawford to be ordering this for a reason. Some of the honesty was meant to make Nagi more potentially likable, and some of it was just one more layer of mind games.
Yohji closed his eyes and focused on the soft breath on his cheek and the words it carried. So that's what that argument was really about. Naoe wanted to know if Crawford really meant it. So why's he telling me?
But a lot of this I wrote without being quite certain why the characters were saying what they were saying. I just knew that they had to. It's a kind of frightening way to approach a scene like this because you don't know how it's going to go.
Naoe's fingertips trailed down Yohji's cheek and neck, never quite leaving the skin. "As long as I don't kill you or do anything physically crippling, he really doesn't care what else I do. For now. Later, if he tells me to, I'll hurt you. Badly. I'll do it as easily as I'd kill you. I make no pretense otherwise. For the rest..." He brushed hair back from Yohji's forehead. "I'd rather have this time be as-- as not unpleasant for you as we can manage. I have that option." Naoe hesitated.
Honesty is not always warm and fuzzy. I'm sure Yohji'd rather not hear this. Part of me wanted to make Nagi nicer than this, but he wasn't going there.
Yohji shuddered, and it took all of his resolve not to fall forward. Hell. I'm in hell, and he's trying to be nice. I can't... I can't fight that. At that moment, all he wanted was to curl in on himself, ignoring Naoe's words, hiding from the inevitable repercussions of his earlier decision.
Yohji's not seeing all of the layers right now. He's too caught up in his own head. I had to walk a careful line with Yohji because I was sure he was being drugged. That needed to be indicated enough that readers wouldn't find it unreasonable, but I wanted him to come across as strong and interesting.
Naoe drew back. "Are you all right?" he asked in something closer to a normal tone.
Yohji met the other man's eyes and for a brief moment almost wished he were facing Schuldig. The telepath would understand his next words perfectly. Of course, he also wouldn't care… Yohji licked his lips. "I want to keep my soul," he whispered.
This is the heart of Yohji's fear. He knows that the end of this will leave him utterly vulnerable, that if Nagi wants to own him, Nagi will. But Nagi might not want to own him.
"I can't promise you that, Kudoh Yohji," Naoe responded softly, flattening a hand against Yohji's cheek.
Nagi's more or less admitting that he knows he's doing something terrible.
Yohji leaned into it just a little, just for a moment. It's not weakness. Not. He wished desperately for the use of his hands. They've stripped me not only of my ability to attack but also... Gestures and postures create the façade. Without them… "I know," he answered. He pulled back a little, and Naoe didn't follow him. Another topic. Now. "What am I supposed to call you?"
Yohji's putting on his game face. He's not used to relying only on his words to create an image, but he knows how to do it.
Naoe shrugged. "Nagi's fine, but I don't insist on it. I'd prefer courtesy, but... If calling me names makes you feel better, by all means go ahead. I doubt you can come up with anything that I haven't heard before." He smiled before becoming more serious. "Call Crawford Crawford and, if you see him, Schuldig Schuldig. I won't stop them from enforcing reasonable wishes in that regard."
I thought hard about names and forms of address. I actually liked the honorifics for this interaction. They gave me shades of meaning that English doesn't really accommodate.
Yohji managed a small almost-smile. "So I don't have to address them as omnipotent god-emperors?" He was pleased when Naoe responded with a puff of laughter. Better. We're away from threats and promises, mostly. I can still use words well enough. Then another question occurred to him. "What should I call Farfarello?"
And again, the shared humor. It's important.
Naoe's face went utterly still for a moment. "I don't know." He licked his lips and looked down at his hands. "I haven't seen him for weeks. Crawford says they'll be able to heal him, but even he's not sure what Farfarello will be like when he's sane."
Farfarello is a character I've never had a good handle on. Because of that, I was reluctant to attempt to write him. I seldom read Farfarello centric fics for much the same reason.
"But-- I thought his--" Yohji fumbled for words. Will he still kill if he's not psycho? Will he feel pain? Why the hell is he telling me this? "Will he still be useful to Schwarz if he's cured?" See how he handles that one…
Writing insanity is difficult. Or perhaps I should say that writing insanity that I can't get inside of is difficult for me. I kind of crawl into characters' skins, and I don't want to be inside of Farfarello.
"You don't think much of us, do you?"
Is that anger in his voice? Yohji struggled to shrug, pretending that it didn't pull his bound arms. "Do I have reason to?" He put as much dry irony into his words as he could and very deliberately looked around the cell before meeting Naoe's-- Nagi's-- eyes again. I have opinions still, and you are not my friend.
Yohji's still making the transition to thinking of Nagi by personal name, but he's starting to find his balance in this interaction, to read Nagi's reactions instead of focusing on his own feelings.
Nagi looked away. "No, I suppose you don't." Silence stretched, making the pause an almost physical presence between them. Finally, Nagi went on, "Whatever else you may think of us, we look after our own. This is the first time Crawford's Seen a treatment that worked, that didn't make things worse. That's why, whatever Abyssinian may think, Aya-chan is utterly safe. After the baby's born--"
What's going on with Farfarello is also important because it's a strong hint that these mysterious new employers are powerful. My guess is that the treatment that's going on involves some level of psychic healing, something that only a culture that's worked with psionics for generations could figure out and make work.
Yohji's head snapped up. "What baby?" he snarled.
Nagi flinched but didn't shift. He met Yohji's glare. "It's nothing to get upset about. She agreed."
Aya-chan's pregnancy came as a surprise to me. Just kind of hit out of the blue.
Yohji snarled again completely unable to find words. I got a reaction, a real one I think. There's something there…
It represents a further shift in Schwarz's interpersonal dynamic.
This is as far as I got with the DVD commentary on chapter 1. I think I got about halfway through the chapter. I may try to go back to it some day, but it's been so very long since I wrote this chapter that I no longer remember a lot of the things I might have pointed out or elaborated on.
